Used to be Scared
by electric wannabe
Summary: Written for the Jan 09 fanfic competion. Very AU, set before episode 4. Rachel gets confused, but her and Eddie have their happily ever after anyway...... Right?


This was written for the Jan 09 fanfic competion on the WR forum, unfortunately I'm not shipping Eddie/Rachel as much as I used to, but I figured, might as well put the fics I've written up, haha. The song is Hear Me by Kelly Clarkson. Set before 4.4

**USED TO BE SCARED**

**8th August 2009**

_I used to be scared of letting someone in_

Pretty much sums me up, she thinks as she slouches tiredly in the back seat of the white Rolls Royce. The first song that comes on the radio reflects my entire life… Nearly my entire life anyway, she thinks with a small internal smile for the end of that sentence.

She turns sideways, spies her sister fidgeting with her necklace and blowing her fringe upwards as if in boredom, and notes how well the creamy lace of her dress suits her…

Her mind then wonders to 6 months back, and she tries to remember the lonely emptiness that was her life then. The complete horror she felt the first time she saw that revolting scar covering a good part of her chest, the realization that she could never burden another person with the disgust of seeing that every day, and consequently turning down a possible relationship with Eddie. Eddie moving on from her, getting over her with her younger sister, Eddie unknowingly breaking her heart…

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Knowing what she knows now, it doesn't hurt as much to think about it. It seems as though her life really has taken on a fairytale quality during the past 6 months, but now she knows it really is happening; that she won't pinch her arm and wake up from a dream……………

**5th February 2009, 6 months ago**

_But it gets so lonely, being on my own,_

Rachel Mason gently shut the door to her office, she often thought her office was like a second home to her; she seemed to spend more time there than at home…

Dropping down onto her sofa, she loudly puffed out a breath of air, and relaxed her exhausted body. Her day seemed to be dragging along, she would be so relieved when it was finally over, all she wanted to do now was relax, with a nice glass or two of wine in bed. She was certainly not in the mood for her younger, scatterbrained sister to come barging in, without knocking of course, and flop down in front of her. And she was absolutely positively not in the mood for her sister to start talking about her relationship with Eddie.

"Look, Melissa, I'm really quite busy here, so-"

"C'mon Rach, you're just sitting on the sofa! I need to tell someone about this."

Jesus, she's bloody pregnant isn't she…

"Go ahead."

Here we go…

"Me and Eddie split up."

Huh…

"It was pretty amicable actually, he's a nice guy. But we just don't have that connection that makes us wanna go further, you know?"

So, the all important issue, where did that leave her and Eddie?

_No one to talk to, no one to hold you…_

Did he even have feelings for her still? He had been quite distant with her these past few weeks, and when she'd practically flaunted a man in front of him, he'd barely batted an eyelid, he'd been so indifferent to it! If he truly did have feelings for her, wouldn't he have been jealous, or angry, or upset? Wouldn't he at least have felt something?! And what about the relationship with her sister, sure it was over, but that didn't necessarily mean anything for her and Eddie.

_I'm not always strong, Oh I need you here,_

Oh God. Oh no. Of course he didn't have feelings for her, not when she'd shown him the horrible disfiguration of her burn, the one the unforgettable fire last term had caused, and with it being over her chest! She suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of claustrophobia. She had to get out of the school, and now! And she knew where she was going to go…

That settled it. Eddie might never be able to be with her because of her burn, but she could at least do something about it…

"Sorry Mel, I've just remembered something I need to do. I'll see you later."

"Oh! And I'm sorry about you and Eddie."

Sure I am…

Slamming the door of her Audi shut tight, she grabbed the leaflet from her dashboard and found the address of her destination.

She took a deep hesitant breath, shut her eyes tightly, almost painfully, and revved the engine.

'Cause there are these nights when, I sing myself to sleep,

The fluorescent white of the sign stood out against the red brick of the building, illuminating itself for everybody to see.

God knows why, do people really want everyone to know they're coming here?

"Hi, I'm looking for Dr. Abbot, he said it'd be fine if I changed my mind, to just come and see him?"

The receptionist looked quite sympathetic. "Oh, I'm sorry, he left about an hour ago; an emergency with a recent in-patient. I don't think he'll be back in… But he has a colleague taking over his appointments for today, so if you want to wait…"

And that's how she met Dr. Michael Benson.

A plastic surgeon; tall, handsome and clever, he seemed perfect.

But he was also boring, stuck-up, irritating, and most importantly, possibly the tiebreaker for Rachel; he wasn't Eddie.

_And I'm hopin' my dreams bring you close to me,_

But since when was Rachel perfect? She tried to deceive the rest of the world into believing she was of course, but the fact still remained…

Rachel Mason was only human.

And as everyone now knows, Rachel Mason can make mistakes. So what's one more regret to add to the list?

So _that_ is how Rachel Mason ended up agreeing to go on a date with Michael Benson. After all, he wasn't her doctor………

"Rachel! Finally, jeez!" Eddie rolled his eyes, "Where've you been that was so important then?"

"Nowhere, just…" Tell him, just say it. "I went to see my plastic surgeon."

"Oh.. Oh right." He did not think it was the time to tell her he thought her scar was a symbol. He thought it represented her strength, determination, passion… That made it beautiful; it was a part of her after all, so that wasn't surprising…

"Listen, I was thinking earlier, we need to talk. You free for dinner Sunday?"

"Oh. Um, I would love to Eddie, but I've um… I've got a date."

"Oh I, you… oh." when he'd regained his composure, and his voice, he asked "Anyone I know?"

"No, it's the doctor that filled in for my surgeon today."

"Right, well, I'll see you later, yeah?" without waiting for an answer he walked off, afraid he'd give away too much if he stayed in her presence.

Rachel looked at him as he walked away, sighing softly.

_Hear me..._

**Sunday 8th February 2009**

Rachel slipped on her blue dress, the shimmering satin moulding itself to her skin. It had a halter neck, to conceal the noticeable area of her burn, so she opted not to wear a necklace, instead sporting pearl earrings and bracelets, with open toed black heels. She sprayed some of her expensive 'special occasion' perfume on her neck and the insides of her wrists, and at that very second her doorbell rang.

"Rachel! You look lovely!"

"Oh, I um, thank you." as much as she wanted to, she just could not shake off the tension between them. And it wasn't the good kind of tension, it was just plain uncomfortable.

Eddie doesn't like you, remember? He can't like you! Not with that on your chest…

A small part of her thought Eddie wasn't like that; Eddie was kind and caring and he took on her secrets and fears without batting an eyelid. But he also had a relationship with her sister after telling her he liked her...

_I'm cryin' out_

She was so sick of going over and over this in her head. She brought up the walls around her heart and threw on her mask, smiling at Michael in the process…

"Let's go."

**Monday 9th February 2009**

Rachel slammed her car door shut and locked it, absentmindedly running her hand through her hair and trying to get her bag back up onto her shoulder. Glancing around the school car park she saw Eddie's car parked near the building, and groaned internally. It was half past seven, how could he be in already?! She'd wanted some time to relax in her office before the school day started.

She'd had a hell of a weekend. Firstly, her date hadn't exactly gone well, from the second they got in the car, and all through dinner, Rachel was trying to remember why she had said yes to this date. Something about being human, she remembered? Or, had she, in the back of her mind, wanted to make Eddie jealous somehow?

And secondly, Dr Benson seemed to think they'd gotten along really well, and when he dropped her off at her house, he also seemed to think they should go upstairs and find out a bit more about each other… Rachel, of course, politely informed him that she was very tired and just wanted to sleep, even though she had secretly wanted to slap him. So that was the end of that…

And then that extremely stupid, irrational voice in her head asked, what would you have said if that was Eddie? She knows this is somewhat silly, because her and Eddie have been in that kind of situation before, and she's rejected him.

But now she knows what it feels like to lose him. It could have been much worse she knows, but the time he was with her sister made her accept what she felt for him, but then reality set in and she realised he was with her sister. Her sister for God's sake! And she rejected her feelings once again…

_I'm ready now,_

She collapsed into her seat, releasing a breath. Monday morning had never before seemed so dreadful… Maybe I should have played hooky today… She laughed at that thought, sure, I'll bunk off school when hell freezes over……

She once again thought about her date, if she had said yes to Michael and what he would have done when he saw her scar. All they'd done in the appointment was talk further about which option was best for her, he'd never even seen the scar as a professional…

He would have been disgusted, she was sure of that. As a doctor she's sure he would be used to it, but as a man and her a woman, she's also quite sure he'd be disgusted. He'd try to hide it of course, but then he'd make his excuses and leave.

It's always different when it's personal, she learnt that at a very young age.

Eddie wouldn't do that though, the infuriatingly smug voice inside her thinks.

_Turn my world upside down,_

She stood up suddenly and walked to the far corner of her office and started unbuttoning her shirt, and slipped it down her shoulders.

Standing up straight, her top half covered only by the black lace of her bra, she stared defiantly at her reflection in the long mirror. As soon as she turned her eyes to the scar on her chest however, her bravery seemed to crumble, a look of pure vulnerability shadowing her features; shadowing the immense pain shining in her eyes.

_Find me…  
_  
She sucked in a deep breath, trying to calm herself down.

"You're beautiful Rachel." a soft voice whispered into her hair, and she instantly screamed at herself for the way her breath caught.

"Eddie, please..... I just, I can't deal with anything right now. I'm-"

"Shh, I know, I know. But I am right; you're absolutely stunning; I wanted to talk to you but when I came in any coherent thought I had completely flew out the window when I saw you… your reflection anyway." The gentle softness in his voice did not fade away, and she cursed him as she unwillingly felt herself begin to unravel in front of him.

_I need you to see,_

She slammed her eyes shut, as his warm hands came to rest on her upper arms, just beneath her shoulders, the simple touch instantly calming her goose bump ridden flesh.

His thumbs rubbed circles near her bare shoulders, and she breathed deeply.

They should not be doing this. They should not be doing this. They should not -

Eddie slowly, very slowly, leaned forwards and placed a barely there butterfly kiss on the edge of her shoulder.

She shuddered softly. "Eddie…"

"I just need to tell you this. Before I bottle it, or lose my nerve, or whatever. When me and Melissa got together… I never thought about what was gonna happen later on. All I could think of was trying to get you to see how in love with you I was. Still am. And then things got complicated, and what I'd done suddenly hit me and… I'm sorry Rach. I am. I'm so sorry. We um… I think she knows how I feel about you. Neither of us said it in words exactly, but.. Well, she's got eyes…"

"You're the one for me Rachel. The only one."

Before she could cut in with words he could almost read on her mind, he interrupted, "The scar doesn't change you. It doesn't matter to me whether it's there or not."

She shut her eyes and began shaking her head, "No Rachel, I mean it. It's your choice, but it doesn't make any difference at all to me. Don't you get it? You'll always be beautiful to me."

"Right, sure, what is this Eddie, a fairytale?" her vulnerability came pouring out of her as her voice caught on the last word…

_I'm screaming for you,_

Eddie moved so he was in front of her, only taking his hands off her for a second, before replacing them in the same position, only the other way around.

"Maybe it is… Our fairytale."

She visibly swallowed the lump in her throat and slowly, incredibly slowly, opened her eyes.

"Our fairytale?" she asked him, and was that… hope in her eyes? In her voice? He couldn't get ahead of himself too soon but, it looked and sounded suspiciously hope-like to him…

_To please, hear me_

He gazed into her eyes a little while longer and then he got that feeling, the one which he could finally identify, the one which triggered something deep, deep within him. He had to kiss her. That simple. Just a kiss, and maybe he would drag his fingers through her hair, and wind his arm around her waist…

But first he had to kiss her.

He moved a hand to her jaw, rubbing the side of her face tenderly, and then across her bottom lip. He dragged in a huge gulp of air, and his lungs didn't even acknowledge it, the only oxygen he'd ever really needed now staring up at him wide eyed.

She reached up and brushed her lips tentatively against his, almost shyly.

_I need someone to understand, can you hear me?_

He kept one hand on her jaw and moved the other around her back, wrapping it around her waist. Their kiss grew, each wanting more, and Eddie ran his tongue along the length of her bottom lip, needing entrance, and Rachel willingly complied, opening her mouth to him. Their kiss became a game, tongues battling each other and fighting for power.

Their kiss signified the beginning of their relationship, just a taster of things to come…

_I'm lost in my thoughts,  
and baby I've fought for all that I've got,  
Can you hear me?_

**8th August 2009**

She doesn't try to prepare herself, because she knows the nerves will only go once they are together, once the day is over and they can both relax.

"Rachel… Rach! Everyone's waiting for you Rach. Oh no.. you'd better not be having second thoughts now!" Melissa's voice cuts through her haze of thoughts.

She grins at her sister's comment, because she knows all women are said to get second thoughts sometime before their wedding day, usually on the day itself, but she never did…

She was definately sure she wanted to marry Eddie Lawson.

I used to be scared of letting someone in,

I'm not scared anymore, not now I have Eddie.


End file.
